March 31, 2009
47 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
81 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
87 Days until the RKC Level II certification
102 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight (home scale): 201
Fat Doctor Weight: 203.3

Not doing measurements this week. I haven’t changed.

Well I’m up three tenths of a pound in a week. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to acknowledge that I have not been feeling well for the last four or five days so I’ve actually done well. I also got notice today that I was picked in the lottery for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco. That is not until October but it’s never too early to start training. I’m only doing the half but I have done it once before and I ran the entire 13.1 miles (I think that was my one and only time I have actually run an entire ½ marathon – I usually run/walk).

Up, up, up and up

March 30, 2009
48 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
82 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
88 Days until the RKC Level II certification
103 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 202.5

I woke up Saturday morning not feeling very well. I had a scratchy throat and a headache. Not to mention my mental wellness was a little down. I wish I could just be happy with myself and my body and not think about it 24/7. I love exercising and I want to be active and thin but there is a part of me that wants food more. And it’s not even good food which makes no sense. My friend asked me to go shopping with her Saturday afternoon and I would have rather stayed in bed. I can’t fit in any clothes at the stores in the mall and it gets very depressing. She is one of those people who has been thin her whole life and has no idea what it is like to be fat but now that she is getting a little older she has gained a little bit of weight but she is by no stretch of the imagination fat. She will complain that she is fat. I try to be understanding and listen to her angst but I’m really thinking that she should be grateful she can fit into normal clothes and men ask her out on dates – neither of which happens to me.

Sunday I was feeling physically worse but mentally a little better. It was a nice day so I did get outside and walked a little. My food was not terrible but not great either.

So, here it is Monday morning and I’m feeling physically pretty stopped up and generally crummy but mentally I feel surprisingly motivated. My weight is up, my exercise is down but for today I am choosing to have a positive attitude and keep plugging along.

However, I’m starting to get anxious about the RKC. I have now officially entered into the less than three months zone and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I have got to stop this eating. I just put a blanket over my television in yet another attempt to cut off my biggest nemesis. We’ll see how this time goes.

Door # two

March 27, 2009
51 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
85 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
91 Days until the RKC Level II certification
106 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 202

I’m very sure why my weight is up today. I ate like a gluttonous pig yesterday and I did not exercise. Well, I take that back. I did a tiny bit of exercise in shoveling the eight inches of snow off my sidewalk and driveway. It was a snow day yesterday and I let myself rationalize eating badly. I thought since I was leaving work early I would get in some exercise in the afternoon. I did leave work early but it took me two hours to get home (it normally takes me 20 minutes) and when I got there I didn’t feel like changing my clothes and making the effort.

I’m in a, “I’m never going to get this” mode right now. I have two choices – 1. Feel sorry for myself and never reach my goal; 2. Love myself and do what needs to be done to get to my goal. I felt like choosing door number one earlier but now I think I’ll choose door number two.

Things happen......

March 26, 2009
52 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
86 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
92 Days until the RKC Level II certification
107 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 201

I’m not quite sure why my weight is up today. I wasn’t perfect yesterday but I wasn’t off the reservation either. My net calories were a deficit and I got in a decent kettlebell workout. I do think I had too much sodium so I am holding on to some water. We’ll see tomorrow. This is where I need to stay positive and not get discouraged. Like I wrote yesterday – things happen. I’m back in the two hundreds.

Never say never

March 25, 2009
53 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
87 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
93 Days until the RKC Level II certification
108 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 199.5

Back down out of the two hundreds. I hope to keep out of the two hundreds for the rest of my life and that will be my goal but I won’t say I’ll never go back there. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Things happen. I don’t want to go back there and I’m going to try my hardest to not get back there but I watch “The Biggest Loser” and when some of the contestants make a milestone he or she says, “I’m never going back there.” Well the reality is, a lot of them do.

Yesterday I had a perfect food day. I did not stray from my plan and I did the exercise I committed to do. I am officially congratulating myself on my perfect day. I don’t have a lot of perfect days so it feels good to have one. My goal is to have another perfect day today. It may or may not happen but either way I will not beat myself up for the mistakes and I will give myself credit for the good choices I make today.

My first good choice was to get up and work out. I did a quick Z warm up then went on to the kettlebells. I’ve been working more on the strength than on the endurance. I also attempted a short run. Seeing as I have to “run” a half marathon in fifty-three days I think I better start actually trying to get some running in. Ever since I have done the Z Health certifications I am a big proponent of no machines but today I gave in and went to my treadmill. Ugh! My running needs a lot of work. I know getting some weight off will definitely help but I am in sorry shape. I don’t expect to run the entire race but I do expect to put in a good showing. I think my fastest ½ marathon time is just under three hours. It would be nice to beat that. Right now I don’t know if I could do it in four hours so I have my work cut out for me.

Kudos for driving the speed limit

54 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
88 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
94 Days until the RKC Level II certification
109 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight (home scale) : 201
Fat Doctor Weight: 203
Measurements:
Chest (full bust): 40 inches
Chest (rib cage): 34 inches
Bicep: 13.5 inches
True waist: 32 inches
Thickest part of stomach: 39.5 inches
Hips: 48.5 inches
Thigh: 28.5 inches
Calf: 18.5 inches


I go to a bariatric physician for weight loss and I meet with the nutritionist once a week. I’ve been doing this since March of 2005. I’ve lost 49.2 pounds in those four years. The slow weight loss is not a reflection on the “fat doctor,” as I affectionately call the office; but rather a reflection of my half measured commitment. The one good thing I have done in those four years is keep going. I haven’t totally given up. There have certainly been days that I say, “Oh f - - - it,” but I keep going back no matter what. I met with my nutritionist this morning and as I suspected my weight was up but not as much as I thought it might be. We talked about my recommitment and the things I need to do. One thing my nutritionist told me, we’ll call her Tammy, is to be sure to give myself credit. I am always ready willing and able to beat myself up when I have a “bad food day” but I never give myself credit for the good things that I do. For instance, yesterday when I donated blood I managed to shove about 900 calories in my mouth. The normal me would have let that derail my entire day. I would have gone by Safeway on my way back to work and picked up a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and possibly a can of chocolate covered cashews. I would have said to myself, “ah, I’ve already blown the day; I might as well make it really a blow off day.” The new and ever evolving me decided to start my day again and not let my cookie detour take me another 2000 calories off course. So, here’s to me! Someone who has never had to deal with a weight problem or any kind of addiction for that matter probably wouldn’t understand this mentality but I don’t understand theirs either. So we’re even. I guess I have always thought that I didn’t deserve praise for something I should be doing anyway but if it helps me to get where I need to be then I just need to get over it. I think I’ll start patting myself on the back for driving the speed limit too.

Fizzle...........

I have had about a three week fizzle on my plans of thinness and fitness. I am committing to getting back on track today. (I do that almost every day; and every day I say, “this time I really am going to do it!”) I have four major events coming up that I have bought and paid for. It is time for me to get serious or I will never be able to do them. I am running in the Colfax Half Marathon on May 17, 2009. I am participating in the Loveland Lake to Lake on June 20, 2009. I am attending the RKC level II cert on June 26, 2009. I am riding in the Triple Bypass on July 11, 2009. I have also put my name in for the lottery draw for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco in October. I have registered for the half. So I have fifty-five (55) days until the ½ marathon. I have eighty-nine (89) days until the Lake 2 Lake Triathlon. I have ninety-five (95) days until the RKC certification weekend. Last but certainly not least I have one hundred ten (110) days until the Triple Bypass.

This girl really wants to be an RKC II and start really working with others. The only way to do that is to get my own house in order first. There is something that for whatever reason doesn’t want to make this happen. I don’t know what it is. I say I want to lose weight. I’ve paid thousands of dollars for the “fat doctor.” I’ve paid thousands of dollars for athletic events (some I’ve done, some I haven’t). But I still can’t seem to have enough drive and desire to not shove food in my mouth that is nothing but junk.

I am going to attempt some new and old strategies to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

1. There is a book called, “The Beck Diet Solution.” I highly recommend it. It’s just like anything else though and the dieter has to do the work. Dr. Beck suggests making “Advantage Cards.” These cards I keep with me and they remind me why I am doing this. One card gives all the reasons it is worth it to do the work and get thin. Some of mine are, “I’ll be less self-critical;” “I’ll be able to be more assertive;” “I’ll be more attractive to the kind of men I want to attract;” “I will feel and look healthier;” “I’ll fit comfortably into a coach airplane seat;” “I’ll be a credible personal trainer;” “I’ll fit into my size 12 suede jeans.” I have other cards that give me reminders. For instance, I have a card that says, “You have two choices, 1. feel sorry for myself and never reach my goal, or 2. love myself and do what needs to be done to get to my goal.” I keep these cards in my purse but I don’t get them out when I really need them. I conveniently leave them where I won’t see them when I want to eat crap.

2. Write down everything that goes into my mouth – no matter what. I know empirically that works. Again, I conveniently don’t do it when I know my food it bad but that is EXACTLY when I should do it. For example, I donated blood today. Now I know I don’t need to have four cookies to combat the loss of blood light headedness, yet I ate them anyway. I also ate a bag of peanut putter crackers. Those totaled somewhere around 900 calories.

3. Turn off the television. I know I sound like a broken record on that one but it really is my Achilles Heel. I should cancel my cable all together. I just don’t know if I’m ready to give up that security blanket. I guess the bottom line is, do I want to watch television or do I want to be thin?

4. Write this blog. Whether or not anybody ever reads it, it is me keeping myself honest and accountable.

Same story. Different day.

There are some days I just feel like I am never going to get it. I am fundamentally incapable of doing what it takes to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. It’s been so long now since I lost the fifty pounds that it doesn’t seem to count anymore. I have, however, been reading some other “diet” blogs and some are quite inspiring. So all I can do is start again. I seem to have a lot of “starting today” days but I guess that is better than waking up one morning having gained back the fifty pounds that I lost plus some. So, for today I am reminding myself that I am worth the effort.

The idiot box gets me again

I had a good weekend of exercise. My food was fairly good but I am finding my television addiction is harder to break than I would like to admit. I have so many other things to do but somehow I just let that idiot box hypnotize me. I know I should just cancel my cable service or better yet, just throw the darn thing out the window but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I do know one thing, though, and that is I have no right to piss and moan about my weight if I sit and watch television every night. I know that is my biggest problem and if I really want to be thin more than I want to watch television then I’ll just stop watching it. I have to remind myself of that when I get home from work and I am tired. I can read a mindless book just as easily as I can watch television. Plus, I think I am in the habit of thinking I am tired when I get home from work but if I start doing a project of some kind I will find that I was not tired at all. It’s all about habits and changing the routine.

So, my weekend workouts. I worked out with my trainer Saturday morning. It was a good session. We are starting to train for the RKC II certification. We worked on the pistol. We practiced on a stool but I got some good pointers on practicing the movements. We did some Renegade Rows with 12k bells and pushups in between every two rows. I also laddered some presses with the 16k. I threw the bell around a little that afternoon as well. The juggling really is my favorite.

Yesterday I went for a nice bike ride. I did a little over five miles to my friend’s house. She cooked a very nice healthy lunch. After lunch I rode about another 23 miles around Cherry Creek Reservoir. It was a nice ride but there were a lot of people out. I have to find some less traveled routes on the weekends because the Cherry Creek Trail gets dangerous with so many people doing a variety of activities and most are oblivious to their surroundings.

This morning I did a kettlebell workout after the Z Health Neural Warm-Up II. I worked on the pistols and renegade rows. I also did some presses with the 20k which is what I will probably have to test with at the RKCII (I doubt seriously I will get below 158 and I will jump off a bridge if I weigh over 194 for the certification). I threw the bell outside for about twenty minutes.

Back on the wagon....

I fell off the no t.v. wagon. I’m back to day one. The last three days have not been good with food and not as good as they could have been with exercise. I will give myself a little slack with the food because these are the three days where I generally want to eat a house (the girls know what I mean). I am also taking this as a positive because it really reiterated to me that I cannot watch television every night and expect to lose weight. It all comes down to a lifestyle change and that is really hard to do when the habits have been imbedded for thirty years or so.

Old habits are hard to break

Six days with no television. Ok, so I cheated a little. I had to watch the end of the Bachelor last night. Yes, I’m a closet reality show watcher. It’s not that I really like it all that much, it’s more like watching a train wreck and not being able to look away. So really I have five days and 23 hours of no television but I’m going to pretend it’s six. It was funny, though, how I only had the television on for about forty minutes but my mind went right back to the same feelings of wanting to eat while watching. It was a little surprising to me. The television really is a food trigger for me. Now that I know that I’m hoping my silly little brain doesn’t try to trick me into watching and eating any more.

I did get some good exercise yesterday. I was not too sore from my ride the day before and I felt pretty good. I did the Z-Health I Phase DVD and about forty minutes of kettlebells. One of the requirements for the RKC II certification is to do a clean, press with 44 pounds. I thought I would try laddering up to about three or four but I only made two. My form was good for the first rep but I pretty much lost it on the second. I’m more concerned with training my body in perfect form then getting numbers. I also did some renegade rows with 26 pounds in each hand. I went outside for a few minutes and threw my 18 pound around for a bit. I always tell people who ask (and even some who don’t) that I always liked working with kettlebells but learning the juggling has made me fall in love with it. I even like the more traditional exercises more.

I stayed up too late last night so I didn’t get in the full work out I wanted to this morning but I got in a decent walk. There is a path near where I live and I can do a nice three mile circle. I have registered for the Colfax half marathon in May so I have to start training for that. I’m planning on probably just walking it but it’s for charity so I feel compelled – and seeing as how President Obama wants to take all my money and wants to lower the tax deduction on charitable donations to 25% I have to find other ways to give back.

Did you know Buffalo Bill's grave is at the top of Lookout Mountain?

I finally went to Buffalo Bill’s grave.

I have lived in Colorado pretty much my entire life and I have never been to Buffalo Bill’s grave. Well, I went there today and I didn’t even know I was going there. I got there on my bike. Since I am now officially in training for the Triple Bypass I need to start training on hills and Lookout Mountain is a good one. I drove to Sloan’s Lake then rode from there to Buffalo Bill’s grave and back. It was a total of 34.13 miles. It took me three hours and thirty minutes. Yes, that is a slow ride – my average speed was 9.7 miles per hour. But let us not forget that I am trying to shed some extra weight. Hauling my big fat butt up over 3,000 vertical feet is not that easy. I’m glad I did it at all.

I started out at 5348 feet and got up to 7356 feet. Most of the vertical was miles 12 through 17. The best thing about trudging up that steep hill is being able to come down it. I love that part. I took some Gu and Sport Beans with me which I think helped. The hard part about putting in a ride like that is balancing the nutrition that is needed but still keep on a weight loss formula. I am the type of person who will give myself permission to eat everything in sight because I had a hard work out and burned a lot of calories. I should know better by now – that just derails all my efforts. I sort of fell into that trap again for dinner but I did make some good choices. One thing I always do is concentrate on the bad choices and don’t give myself credit for the good choices. I think it is important to give ourselves kudos when we do something right. I think it comes down to my perfectionism in that if the entire meal isn’t perfect then the whole meal is a bust.

So, let’s break down the meal. First off I should have checked to see if the restaurant had a web site and if yes, did it have nutritional information for the food it serves. If I had checked beforehand I would have known that Ted’s Montana Grill not only has a web site but it has a great breakdown of all the nutritional information. Preplanning restaurant meals is getting a lot easier with the internet and that is one diet tip that really works. Looking at the menu beforehand and committing to the order can save a lot of second guessing and calories. Alas, I didn’t look at the menu before I went to dinner so I didn’t do as well as I could have but I am going to take this a positive step because I did look at the menu after dinner and realized (again) how important it is to preplan. The one good thing that I did was substitute French Fries with Roasted Asparagus. French Fries are 300 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates and 18 grams of fat. The Asparagus is 60 calories, 3 grams of carbohydrates and 5 grams of fat. Adding that up, I saved 240 calories. Good thing too because the cheeseburger was pretty hefty. I ordered a beef burger with American cheese, Bacon and Mushrooms on an Oatie Wheat Bun. The bun. Classic dieter’s mistake that I have learned a thousand times and I should know better by now. Things that sound healthier usually are not. I ordered the Oatie Wheat bun thinking it would have more fiber than the regular sourdough roll but I was wrong. The sourdough roll has 2 grams of fiber and the healthier sounding Oatie Wheat bun has 1 gram of fiber. The other lesson I learned that I didn’t even think about was the butter. The buns are toasted with butter. Next time I order any kind of sandwich at a restaurant I will make sure to ask that it not be toasted with butter. So, the regular sourdough roll plain is 150 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of fat (as opposed to 8 with butter). The Oatie Wheat Bun with butter is 280 calories, 36 grams of carbohydrates and 13 grams of fat. The beef I ate was 10 ounces with 480 calories and 39 grams of fat. I could have had 8 ounces of Bison for 340 calories and 20 grams of fat and it has three more grams of protein. Even better yet I could have had 7 ounces of chicken for 260 calories and 9 grams of fat. I felt like something heartier than chicken so, had I thought about it I would have gone with the Bison. And seeing as I did visit Buffalo Bill’s grave earlier, it would seem appropriate to eat a buffalo. Lastly, the toppings I chose were nearly the worst I could have had. I ordered American cheese, bacon and mushrooms for 300 calories and 24 grams of fat. If I just eliminated the bacon I would have had 150 calories and 14 grams of fat. My total meal was 1,120 calories. Had I checked the menu beforehand I could have saved 440 calories and still enjoyed the meal just as much. Thankfully I burned a lot of calories on my ride so I was still at a deficit by the end of the day but this is a typical example of how I must be aware of what I am putting in my mouth. It was a really good reminder to me that I can make better choices and still feel satisfied.

Five full days with no television.

The Stars Have Aligned

It is Sunday and it is the first of the month. I always love when the first of the month lands on a Sunday because that is when the stars align and I am going to embark on yet another “diet.” Now, we don’t call them diets anymore because that would be bad. So I call them, “healthy eating plans,” “nutrition realignments,” “watching what I eat,” (this one is my favorite – I can watch myself eat A LOT of garbage), “calorie reduction plan,” “decrease calories, increase exercise regimen.”
This is the first time, though, that I have made a major change and that is quitting watching television. Granted it has only been four days but I don’t think I’ve gone more than 24 hours without television since I was in diapers. This is a big step for me. I think (hope, pray) that this is the step I need to finally get over the three and a half year “plateau” I’ve been on.
Back in February of 2005 I weighed 252.5 pounds (if you do the math you’ll figure out how much I weigh now but I’m not going to make it easy for you). In fact, that is what I looked liked in the picture above.
I had lost forty-eight pounds about five years earlier but obviously gained it all back plus a couple of pounds for good measure. In February of 2005 I decided to go to a “fat doctor.” Long story short I lost fifty pounds by about October of that same year (I actually lost a little more than that but gained some back for various reasons like bad relationship, Bar Exam, trying to find work – little things like that).
So here I am now sick of my constant whining about wanting to lose fifty more pounds but not actually making the necessary changes to do it. This is where the television comes in. I’m addicted to it. It comes on from the minute I walk in the door at night to the time I go to bed. I’ll even stay up way later than I should watching some rerun of something I’ve already seen and then I’m too tired to get up and work out in the morning. So the t.v. has got to go.
As of this morning I am down 54.5 pounds from my heaviest weight four years ago. I’ve managed to keep off “around” fifty pounds for those four years so that is good but it is not good enough. I am registered for the RKC II workshop in June. I want to get the four Z Health certifications. I want to complete a ½ Iron Man in the next few years. I’m signed up for the Triple Bypass this summer (for those who don’t know that is bike race that goes from Evergreen, Colorado to Avon, Colorado which is about 110 miles and goes over three mountain passes – one being the Continental Divide). I can’t do any of those if I don’t take off this extra weight. So this is it. I have four months until the RKC and in those four months my goals are to lose enough weight to be able to do a pull-up (‘cause there ain’t no way I can do one now!) and get in tip top shape. Here’s to day one – I’m going for a bike ride.