April 8, 2009
33 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
39 Days until the RKC Level II certification
54 Days until the Triple Bypass
152 Days until the Nike Women’s Marathon
Weight: 205
I am extremely depressed today. I know I have a great life and I have nothing to complain about but I just can’t do the happy dance today. I did the Colfax ½ Marathon yesterday. I walked the entire thing and averaged about a 15 minute mile. That was ok but I didn’t train for it at all. That is what the problem is; not that it took me over three hours and fifteen minutes to complete the race but that I didn’t have the drive and determination to actually train for it. I can’t stop eating, I stay up late watching mindless television so I don’t want to work out in the morning and I hate my job so I get drained during the day and don’t want to work out after work. I know, blah, blah, blah, excuses. And they are but today I just feel like feeling sorry for myself. I have no will power and am a lazy fat slob. I look in the mirror and the only words that come to my mind are gross, fat, disgusting and pig. I want so badly to be a thin powerful athlete but I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. If I did really want to do it then I would. Wouldn’t I? I feel like a miserable failure.
I am probably not going to do the Loveland Lake to Lake. I decided that I really don’t like triathlons and I feel no need to torture myself more. I want to do the RKC but I’ll never be able to fulfill the physical requirements – I’m not giving up on that yet but I’m not going if I can’t do a pull up. More money wasted that I can’t afford to waste. I haven’t been riding so the Triple Bypass is probably not going to happen. Sometimes I wish I could just accept that I am fat, will always be fat and will never be an athlete. I don’t know why I torture myself.
So basically today I feel like everything in my life sucks. I’m whining and have no right to but that’s how I feel. I have to change how I’m doing things but every time I try I fail. I’m just tired of trying. I’m 41 years old. I’m never going to get married and have a family so why even bother? I think I was just meant to be fat and alone. Men don’t want to date fat women – period.
Ok, so this is me on my pity pot. I’ll probably sit here for the rest of today and maybe even tomorrow but then I’ll get out of it and work out for a few days and eat right for a few days and start feeling good. Then I’ll blow it and eat crappy food and gain the weight back that I lost over those few good days. It’s the same vicious cycle that I have been living pretty much my entire life. I really wish that I could like myself enough to really care. I’m more comfortable feeling sorry for myself and hating who I am.
2021 Review Thingo
3 years ago
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