April 8, 2009
33 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
39 Days until the RKC Level II certification
54 Days until the Triple Bypass
152 Days until the Nike Women’s Marathon

Weight: 205

I am extremely depressed today. I know I have a great life and I have nothing to complain about but I just can’t do the happy dance today. I did the Colfax ½ Marathon yesterday. I walked the entire thing and averaged about a 15 minute mile. That was ok but I didn’t train for it at all. That is what the problem is; not that it took me over three hours and fifteen minutes to complete the race but that I didn’t have the drive and determination to actually train for it. I can’t stop eating, I stay up late watching mindless television so I don’t want to work out in the morning and I hate my job so I get drained during the day and don’t want to work out after work. I know, blah, blah, blah, excuses. And they are but today I just feel like feeling sorry for myself. I have no will power and am a lazy fat slob. I look in the mirror and the only words that come to my mind are gross, fat, disgusting and pig. I want so badly to be a thin powerful athlete but I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. If I did really want to do it then I would. Wouldn’t I? I feel like a miserable failure.

I am probably not going to do the Loveland Lake to Lake. I decided that I really don’t like triathlons and I feel no need to torture myself more. I want to do the RKC but I’ll never be able to fulfill the physical requirements – I’m not giving up on that yet but I’m not going if I can’t do a pull up. More money wasted that I can’t afford to waste. I haven’t been riding so the Triple Bypass is probably not going to happen. Sometimes I wish I could just accept that I am fat, will always be fat and will never be an athlete. I don’t know why I torture myself.

So basically today I feel like everything in my life sucks. I’m whining and have no right to but that’s how I feel. I have to change how I’m doing things but every time I try I fail. I’m just tired of trying. I’m 41 years old. I’m never going to get married and have a family so why even bother? I think I was just meant to be fat and alone. Men don’t want to date fat women – period.

Ok, so this is me on my pity pot. I’ll probably sit here for the rest of today and maybe even tomorrow but then I’ll get out of it and work out for a few days and eat right for a few days and start feeling good. Then I’ll blow it and eat crappy food and gain the weight back that I lost over those few good days. It’s the same vicious cycle that I have been living pretty much my entire life. I really wish that I could like myself enough to really care. I’m more comfortable feeling sorry for myself and hating who I am.

Winning those arguments with myself. . . . . . . . .

April 30, 2009
17 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
51 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
57 Days until the RKC Level II certification
72 Days until the Triple Bypass
170 Days until the Nike Women’s Marathon

Weight: 198

I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m not anywhere near ready for the ½ marathon in 17 days but there’s not much I can do about that now. I plan on walking it and however long it takes, it takes. Hopefully it will be a nice day and I’ll have a brisk four hour walk.

I feel good because I have really stepped up my exercise in the last two weeks and I’m starting to feel the benefits. I’ve put swimming back in and I really love it. What is even better is I’m not letting my mind talk myself out of going to whatever exercise I have planned for the day (mostly). I swam Monday and Wednesday after work and both days I was ready to blow it off and go home. Both days I had a little conversation with myself and just asked, “why don’t you want to go?” There really was no reason other than, “I just don’t feel like it.” Both times I didn’t buy that excuse. I have come to the realization that if I plan any exercise then it is an appointment that I must keep. So far this week I have made all of my appointments. I have also tried to pre-plan things to do at night so I’m not mindlessly munching when I am at home. The real key is to be aware of what I am doing and why. Now I know that this good feeling may only last a day or two so I need to prepare for the negative “f—k it all” attitude. That is my big problem though. I don’t know how to do that. I think, though, that if I keep sticking to my exercise schedule every time that I win that little fight with myself and actually do what I had planned, then I am building up just a little more resolve and some insurance against those, “I can’t do it so why bother” days.

And that's that, said Pooh.

April 25, 2009
22 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
56 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
62 Days until the RKC Level II certification
77 Days until the Triple Bypass
176 Days until the Nike Women’s ½ Marathon

Weight: 200

I’m not going to whine and feel sorry for myself. I haven’t lost any weight in basically two and half years. The bottom line is I want to eat and watch television more than I want to be thin and fit. The frustrating thing is I can’t seem to figure out why that is. I know the things I need to do to be successful but I just don’t do them consistently enough to make a difference. So I’m going to stop saying things like “I want to get this weight off,” “I’m following a healthy food plan,” “I’m working out six days a week” until I really mean it and I really am doing it. I’m not going to give up on the events I’ve paid for but I might make an ass of myself. One day at a time I guess.

With that said, I did have a good workout with my trainer today. He just got back from the RKC I in St. Paul so he was pretty pumped up. He is an RKC II and had to get recertified. He is very excited for me to go to the level II and I love him for being so supportive. I don’t want to let him down but if I were to go today there is no way on God’s green earth I could do a pull up and I probably couldn’t do a pistol, although I’m getting close on that one.

So. Keep a positive attitude. Don’t whine about a bad day. No excuses. I have to want to be thin and fit more than anything else. I have to eat healthy and low calorie and I have to exercise six days a week. There is nothing else to it. And that’s that said Pooh.

Two perfect reps

April 8, 2009
39 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
73 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
79 Days until the RKC Level II certification
94 Days until the Triple Bypass
192 Days until the Nike Women’s Marathon

Weight: 199.5

Well, I’m back in one hundreds (again). My MO is to have one or two really good days then blow it for five days. I have to be careful to not let that happen again. I have had two really good days with food. I haven’t really exercised because of this cold but I think that is a good thing – as long as it doesn’t take too long to get over this nasty thing. I walked on my treadmill last night while I watching “The Biggest Loser” and I had a little bit of coughing fit with too much exertion. I don’t like not being able to get my heart rate up and sweat a little. The Colfax half marathon is approaching very quickly and I have done NO training whatsoever. I want to get out and start running but with this junk in my lungs I can’t do it. So I guess I should use this time to really concentrate on food and losing some weight because of less food intake rather than hyper exercising. There will be times, like now, that I can’t exercise and I will gain weight if I don’t learn how to adjust my eating habits. So there is the silver lining in this cold.

This Cold is Getting Old..........

April 7, 2009
40 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
74 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
80 Days until the RKC Level II certification
95 Days until the Triple Bypass
194 Days until the Nike Women’s Half Marathon


Weight: 201

I’m still not feeling well. I’ve had that nagging hacking cough that keeps me up at night. So needless to say I have not had nearly enough exercise and I’m tired due to lack of sleep. I have my regular asthma check up in two weeks but I’m thinking I might need to get to a doctor sooner. We’re working on day eleven with this cold and it is getting very old.

I went to San Francisco for a few days last week. Given my lack of exercise and non discriminate eating in San Francisco I am fairly pleased that I did not gain a ton of weight. In the long run, however, I’m not happy that I have only lost six pounds in the last three months. I know any loss is better than no loss but I need to be back down to a weight where I can run 13 miles and do a pull up unassisted. I guess the good thing about this cold is it is forcing me to really be diligent about planning what I eat and writing everything down that I eat.

My registration for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco was picked in the Lottery so it looks like I am running that half marathon in the fall. I ran it in 2005. At that time I was 184 pounds and I was able to run the entire 13.1 miles. I was slow (just under 3 hours) but I did it and I want to beat my time this year.

March 31, 2009
47 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
81 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
87 Days until the RKC Level II certification
102 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight (home scale): 201
Fat Doctor Weight: 203.3

Not doing measurements this week. I haven’t changed.

Well I’m up three tenths of a pound in a week. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to acknowledge that I have not been feeling well for the last four or five days so I’ve actually done well. I also got notice today that I was picked in the lottery for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco. That is not until October but it’s never too early to start training. I’m only doing the half but I have done it once before and I ran the entire 13.1 miles (I think that was my one and only time I have actually run an entire ½ marathon – I usually run/walk).

Up, up, up and up

March 30, 2009
48 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
82 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
88 Days until the RKC Level II certification
103 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 202.5

I woke up Saturday morning not feeling very well. I had a scratchy throat and a headache. Not to mention my mental wellness was a little down. I wish I could just be happy with myself and my body and not think about it 24/7. I love exercising and I want to be active and thin but there is a part of me that wants food more. And it’s not even good food which makes no sense. My friend asked me to go shopping with her Saturday afternoon and I would have rather stayed in bed. I can’t fit in any clothes at the stores in the mall and it gets very depressing. She is one of those people who has been thin her whole life and has no idea what it is like to be fat but now that she is getting a little older she has gained a little bit of weight but she is by no stretch of the imagination fat. She will complain that she is fat. I try to be understanding and listen to her angst but I’m really thinking that she should be grateful she can fit into normal clothes and men ask her out on dates – neither of which happens to me.

Sunday I was feeling physically worse but mentally a little better. It was a nice day so I did get outside and walked a little. My food was not terrible but not great either.

So, here it is Monday morning and I’m feeling physically pretty stopped up and generally crummy but mentally I feel surprisingly motivated. My weight is up, my exercise is down but for today I am choosing to have a positive attitude and keep plugging along.

However, I’m starting to get anxious about the RKC. I have now officially entered into the less than three months zone and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I have got to stop this eating. I just put a blanket over my television in yet another attempt to cut off my biggest nemesis. We’ll see how this time goes.