March 31, 2009
47 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
81 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
87 Days until the RKC Level II certification
102 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight (home scale): 201
Fat Doctor Weight: 203.3

Not doing measurements this week. I haven’t changed.

Well I’m up three tenths of a pound in a week. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to acknowledge that I have not been feeling well for the last four or five days so I’ve actually done well. I also got notice today that I was picked in the lottery for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco. That is not until October but it’s never too early to start training. I’m only doing the half but I have done it once before and I ran the entire 13.1 miles (I think that was my one and only time I have actually run an entire ½ marathon – I usually run/walk).

Up, up, up and up

March 30, 2009
48 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
82 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
88 Days until the RKC Level II certification
103 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 202.5

I woke up Saturday morning not feeling very well. I had a scratchy throat and a headache. Not to mention my mental wellness was a little down. I wish I could just be happy with myself and my body and not think about it 24/7. I love exercising and I want to be active and thin but there is a part of me that wants food more. And it’s not even good food which makes no sense. My friend asked me to go shopping with her Saturday afternoon and I would have rather stayed in bed. I can’t fit in any clothes at the stores in the mall and it gets very depressing. She is one of those people who has been thin her whole life and has no idea what it is like to be fat but now that she is getting a little older she has gained a little bit of weight but she is by no stretch of the imagination fat. She will complain that she is fat. I try to be understanding and listen to her angst but I’m really thinking that she should be grateful she can fit into normal clothes and men ask her out on dates – neither of which happens to me.

Sunday I was feeling physically worse but mentally a little better. It was a nice day so I did get outside and walked a little. My food was not terrible but not great either.

So, here it is Monday morning and I’m feeling physically pretty stopped up and generally crummy but mentally I feel surprisingly motivated. My weight is up, my exercise is down but for today I am choosing to have a positive attitude and keep plugging along.

However, I’m starting to get anxious about the RKC. I have now officially entered into the less than three months zone and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I have got to stop this eating. I just put a blanket over my television in yet another attempt to cut off my biggest nemesis. We’ll see how this time goes.

Door # two

March 27, 2009
51 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
85 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
91 Days until the RKC Level II certification
106 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 202

I’m very sure why my weight is up today. I ate like a gluttonous pig yesterday and I did not exercise. Well, I take that back. I did a tiny bit of exercise in shoveling the eight inches of snow off my sidewalk and driveway. It was a snow day yesterday and I let myself rationalize eating badly. I thought since I was leaving work early I would get in some exercise in the afternoon. I did leave work early but it took me two hours to get home (it normally takes me 20 minutes) and when I got there I didn’t feel like changing my clothes and making the effort.

I’m in a, “I’m never going to get this” mode right now. I have two choices – 1. Feel sorry for myself and never reach my goal; 2. Love myself and do what needs to be done to get to my goal. I felt like choosing door number one earlier but now I think I’ll choose door number two.

Things happen......

March 26, 2009
52 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
86 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
92 Days until the RKC Level II certification
107 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 201

I’m not quite sure why my weight is up today. I wasn’t perfect yesterday but I wasn’t off the reservation either. My net calories were a deficit and I got in a decent kettlebell workout. I do think I had too much sodium so I am holding on to some water. We’ll see tomorrow. This is where I need to stay positive and not get discouraged. Like I wrote yesterday – things happen. I’m back in the two hundreds.

Never say never

March 25, 2009
53 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
87 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
93 Days until the RKC Level II certification
108 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight: 199.5

Back down out of the two hundreds. I hope to keep out of the two hundreds for the rest of my life and that will be my goal but I won’t say I’ll never go back there. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Things happen. I don’t want to go back there and I’m going to try my hardest to not get back there but I watch “The Biggest Loser” and when some of the contestants make a milestone he or she says, “I’m never going back there.” Well the reality is, a lot of them do.

Yesterday I had a perfect food day. I did not stray from my plan and I did the exercise I committed to do. I am officially congratulating myself on my perfect day. I don’t have a lot of perfect days so it feels good to have one. My goal is to have another perfect day today. It may or may not happen but either way I will not beat myself up for the mistakes and I will give myself credit for the good choices I make today.

My first good choice was to get up and work out. I did a quick Z warm up then went on to the kettlebells. I’ve been working more on the strength than on the endurance. I also attempted a short run. Seeing as I have to “run” a half marathon in fifty-three days I think I better start actually trying to get some running in. Ever since I have done the Z Health certifications I am a big proponent of no machines but today I gave in and went to my treadmill. Ugh! My running needs a lot of work. I know getting some weight off will definitely help but I am in sorry shape. I don’t expect to run the entire race but I do expect to put in a good showing. I think my fastest ½ marathon time is just under three hours. It would be nice to beat that. Right now I don’t know if I could do it in four hours so I have my work cut out for me.

Kudos for driving the speed limit

54 Days until the Colfax ½ Marathon
88 Days until the Loveland Lake to Lake Triathlon
94 Days until the RKC Level II certification
109 Days until the Triple Bypass

Weight (home scale) : 201
Fat Doctor Weight: 203
Measurements:
Chest (full bust): 40 inches
Chest (rib cage): 34 inches
Bicep: 13.5 inches
True waist: 32 inches
Thickest part of stomach: 39.5 inches
Hips: 48.5 inches
Thigh: 28.5 inches
Calf: 18.5 inches


I go to a bariatric physician for weight loss and I meet with the nutritionist once a week. I’ve been doing this since March of 2005. I’ve lost 49.2 pounds in those four years. The slow weight loss is not a reflection on the “fat doctor,” as I affectionately call the office; but rather a reflection of my half measured commitment. The one good thing I have done in those four years is keep going. I haven’t totally given up. There have certainly been days that I say, “Oh f - - - it,” but I keep going back no matter what. I met with my nutritionist this morning and as I suspected my weight was up but not as much as I thought it might be. We talked about my recommitment and the things I need to do. One thing my nutritionist told me, we’ll call her Tammy, is to be sure to give myself credit. I am always ready willing and able to beat myself up when I have a “bad food day” but I never give myself credit for the good things that I do. For instance, yesterday when I donated blood I managed to shove about 900 calories in my mouth. The normal me would have let that derail my entire day. I would have gone by Safeway on my way back to work and picked up a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and possibly a can of chocolate covered cashews. I would have said to myself, “ah, I’ve already blown the day; I might as well make it really a blow off day.” The new and ever evolving me decided to start my day again and not let my cookie detour take me another 2000 calories off course. So, here’s to me! Someone who has never had to deal with a weight problem or any kind of addiction for that matter probably wouldn’t understand this mentality but I don’t understand theirs either. So we’re even. I guess I have always thought that I didn’t deserve praise for something I should be doing anyway but if it helps me to get where I need to be then I just need to get over it. I think I’ll start patting myself on the back for driving the speed limit too.

Fizzle...........

I have had about a three week fizzle on my plans of thinness and fitness. I am committing to getting back on track today. (I do that almost every day; and every day I say, “this time I really am going to do it!”) I have four major events coming up that I have bought and paid for. It is time for me to get serious or I will never be able to do them. I am running in the Colfax Half Marathon on May 17, 2009. I am participating in the Loveland Lake to Lake on June 20, 2009. I am attending the RKC level II cert on June 26, 2009. I am riding in the Triple Bypass on July 11, 2009. I have also put my name in for the lottery draw for the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco in October. I have registered for the half. So I have fifty-five (55) days until the ½ marathon. I have eighty-nine (89) days until the Lake 2 Lake Triathlon. I have ninety-five (95) days until the RKC certification weekend. Last but certainly not least I have one hundred ten (110) days until the Triple Bypass.

This girl really wants to be an RKC II and start really working with others. The only way to do that is to get my own house in order first. There is something that for whatever reason doesn’t want to make this happen. I don’t know what it is. I say I want to lose weight. I’ve paid thousands of dollars for the “fat doctor.” I’ve paid thousands of dollars for athletic events (some I’ve done, some I haven’t). But I still can’t seem to have enough drive and desire to not shove food in my mouth that is nothing but junk.

I am going to attempt some new and old strategies to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

1. There is a book called, “The Beck Diet Solution.” I highly recommend it. It’s just like anything else though and the dieter has to do the work. Dr. Beck suggests making “Advantage Cards.” These cards I keep with me and they remind me why I am doing this. One card gives all the reasons it is worth it to do the work and get thin. Some of mine are, “I’ll be less self-critical;” “I’ll be able to be more assertive;” “I’ll be more attractive to the kind of men I want to attract;” “I will feel and look healthier;” “I’ll fit comfortably into a coach airplane seat;” “I’ll be a credible personal trainer;” “I’ll fit into my size 12 suede jeans.” I have other cards that give me reminders. For instance, I have a card that says, “You have two choices, 1. feel sorry for myself and never reach my goal, or 2. love myself and do what needs to be done to get to my goal.” I keep these cards in my purse but I don’t get them out when I really need them. I conveniently leave them where I won’t see them when I want to eat crap.

2. Write down everything that goes into my mouth – no matter what. I know empirically that works. Again, I conveniently don’t do it when I know my food it bad but that is EXACTLY when I should do it. For example, I donated blood today. Now I know I don’t need to have four cookies to combat the loss of blood light headedness, yet I ate them anyway. I also ate a bag of peanut putter crackers. Those totaled somewhere around 900 calories.

3. Turn off the television. I know I sound like a broken record on that one but it really is my Achilles Heel. I should cancel my cable all together. I just don’t know if I’m ready to give up that security blanket. I guess the bottom line is, do I want to watch television or do I want to be thin?

4. Write this blog. Whether or not anybody ever reads it, it is me keeping myself honest and accountable.